Fridays

What is it about Fridays that get me so down
I don’t get it, every Friday I am depressed
I get mad at the world for any and every reason
I’ve got an attitude so big that I just want to poop myself
and cry about the fact that i am still here
while others are dying everywhere else
Fridays do not make me happy
it is the end of the week and I am now sad
I do not drink, smoke, get high, screw, love, party,
enjoy other people, I have not fucked my wife in years
and even a mistress I could not fuck, timing was everything
and our timing never happened. So what is with me?
Am I always like this? No, I have some really good days,
it is just every Friday I feel this way. I do not work on Friday,
maybe that is the reason, i am home, alone, trying to get things done
and hating every second of the day. It blows… really it does.
Motivating myself to do anything becomes next to impossible, shit
i even try to lie down for a nap and I can’t fall asleep. Fridays are
just a day for me to bitch about and I am bitching now. Anybody have
any ideas?
Yea… I didn’t think so…

?

Life begins again, but not for me
it just goes back to whence it came
I went and played once i should have left then
but I took it for real when it was just a game
Life often shakes itself around, up and down
I should not have listened i should have felt the same
but when that whisper touched my skin, entered my ear and reached my brain
I heard what I thought was true, I should have heard it as lame
lame it is and lame it was, lame I am and lame I shall be
lame as the wanderer, lame as the leg, lame as the word
the word called love

Me

so who am I to you
one that loves but no more
one that I feel loneliness for
one that states fondness of
one that shares no more
time
place
feelings
wannabees?
Wannabees are me
I wannabee with you
I wannabee known to you
I wannabee forever in your dreams
I wannabee no more
no more in the world of make believe
no more alongside the places I had
no more on Saba or in the sanctuary
no more in a world that was to be for me
I only wannabee
who I am to thee
and who I am to thee
is me

Seizures

Yes I have them and no it is not from epilepsy, it is from a brain disorder that stopped some blood vessels from forming into capillaries at birth. It is pretty bad and I should not still be alive but I am… lucky I guess. The seizure only affects the right side of my body and I have never had any kind of a black out, or grand mal seizure. But if any of you were ever wondering what it is like to go through one of these little bastards I shall explain the best I can.
A seizure is a weird thing, if you have ever or do ever see someone having one it looks as though they are just flailing around in the wind, arms, legs just flipping around madly with no control. I have seen people imitate seizures (humor…) and they are not that far off but yet they are millions of miles off at the same time.
What happens during a seizure is all the muscles in the affected area flex and relax and repeat over and over again. So if you flex your bicep for example you tighten those muscles and then relax them right? Right, now try to imagine that all the muscles in the arm flex and relax at the same time, now take it further, all the muscles get broken down into tiny parts. So instead of one muscle you now have thousands of little muscles flexing and letting go all at different times, the times being so fast, milli, micro, and nano seconds, that to the eye it looks like the arm flailing around but to the person having the seizure it is a hell almost not worth living. All of these little muscles twitching, releasing… if you look at it, it seems like a horror movie with all these parts bumping up and down all over and not stopping.
I am lucky in that it is only affecting my arm, but to others that have more of their body affected it is a nightmare every time. I am also lucky in the fact that my seizures only last a few minutes with the worst one being over 5 minutes. In that one i felt electrical shocks running up and down my arm and I was begging to black out so I would no longer feel it, I didn’t of course but it hurt like hell and took days to recover from.
I tell you this because it is a part of me, I have had three seizures this month with the worse one in years happening yesterday, 4 min 10 sec almost electrical but stopped before it got there completely. I’ll be better in a few days, thanks
If you wish to comment or question then please do so, I’ll look forward to it.

-I write for me

Friends?

How do you do it? How do you manage to go on?
Well I know how, your feelings about this short lived relationship were/are far different than mine. For you I have to believe it was a game. Yes I know that you have denied this to me but I still believe it was. You stepped out, wanted to try again and picked me. It might have been a game for me too had we not fallen in love so fast. But yet it was more than love for me. It was the friend I never had, the one that no matter what I said or how I said it was always there to listen and comment on it. And you taught me so much about life and about the world and even religion, which I always stayed away from. Views I had never seen or heard before. They were from another side of the world, places I had never thought of, never planned to be, but with you I was there. You became my friend, one that I never knew I needed and now one that I find so hard to live without.

The only way for me to look at this is the absolute closest friend I have ever had has just passed on and I am taking it hard. One reason is that I have never had a friend that close, nor have I ever wanted one. The other thing is I don’t like people and you are a person that has affected me so much I can not forget you, ever! I go through periods of love, hate, sadness, despising you, needing you and around and around we go… will this stop? I do wonder. Five months out of a three month relationship and I am worthless. Neither here nor there, I am totally without you and that is good but getting over you…. another story for sure. One that will find its way out of my soul but for now still lives inside of me.

-iwrit4me

Life Has Broken Me

Life has broken me, I never thought it would
but I was wrong
I was living my life full of my own decisions and my own cares
but I was wrong
I loved what I was doing, who I had been and who I am
but I was wrong
health had tried to break me, love had tried to play me
but I was wrong
I needed to test, I needed to see, I found the one
but I was wrong
that one wanted to love me and I too wanted her
but I was wrong
what I got was broken, painful inside, painful outside
nothing to say, nowhere to turn, screaming for help
where no one can hear
I need her but there is no one there
Life has broken me… care to share?

Louise Erdrich (The Painted Drum)

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

yet again

another dream, yes about you…

My vacation was over and I went back to work. I was there for a few days before I realized that I had not seen you. I just figured that you were avoiding me since we are, or at least I am, going in and out of hating you. But it was too long and too quiet so I went to your supervisor to ask about you. I know him and was hoping for a true answer from him. He said that you had been hospitalized but would not tell me where or why. I walked out of his office and was freaking to know more, I searched for anyone that could tell me until I bumped into an old woman, almost knocking her down. I asked “where is she, whats going on?” She turned looking directly into my eyes and said “Canada” and with a cane in her hand she walked away. Canada… Canada I said, what the fuck?
I ran home and got on my computer, searched all the hospitals I could find in Canada and came up with nothing. I searched and sent out messages on fb, tweeterville, and other sites I had never heard of and finally, two days later I got a hit from Mexico saying that he had talked to someone in Libya, who found a note at some hole in the ground in Palestine that said “American Hospital Montreal”. I turned and told my wife that I was going to Montreal of which the response was, “I’ll go with you” and as she turned to get her coat I said “no! I go alone!” Ran out of the house slamming the door behind me and jumped into the car… it wouldn’t start, I tried to catch the bus on the corner and it wouldn’t stop, I ran into town and found no help, the planes were all grounded, no cabs would go that far. I was stuck there when suddenly a hand grabbed me from behind and pulled me into the air. The person that had me said” hey dude… don’t you know about SL?” and off to Montreal we flew.
We landed just outside the hospital and I realized then that I was alone. I walked through the hospital doors and was whooshed into a wheelchair, wheeled in and out of a series of elevators, down numerous halls and finally stopped at a nurses desk. Next thing I knew I was standing there, no more wheelchair, and the very large dark skinned nurse asked if she could help. I told her I was there to see the Queen, she looked down at me and said “darlin’, there are nothin’ but Queens on this level, which one might you be looking for, of which I replied with “well, my Queen of course.” she smiled and looked down at me again and said “honey, this is the Queens quarters, all the people here are Queens, so which Queen are you looking for?
I was getting frustrated, I looked up and down the hall and said “My Queen God damn it, the Queen of the Nile of course, the last of the great pharaohs, I am looking for…” At that point she slapped her hand over my mouth, and her eyes almost popped out of her head as she came out from behind her desk, she eyed me up and down, knelled down close to me and asked if I was he. What, I said… again she said ” are you him, are you one… are you Cesar? Suddenly I was surrounded by women dressed in black gowns with only slits wide enough for their eyes to see, and I was being pushed down the hall being unable to see I just had to follow along, then we stopped and I was alone standing in front of a room with a closed door. I felt the door and no big thing, wood probably with a handle. I grabbed the handle and opened the door. Inside I saw two people sitting along side your bed, one was Johnny, your son who had something in his had and his thumbs were leaving trails behind as they travels so fast across what I could only assume was a keyboard or some game, and the other I assumed to be your mother who had a book in her hand but was not reading.
Johnny and I looked at each other and I nodded towards the door for him to leave. He shook his head back and forth to say no and I did it again more forcibly a d he said “no, she doesn’t want to see you” I replied with “What?” He handed me a note that read if he shows up send him away
I saw that and told him to get the hell out of here I need to talk to her and take grandma with you… they were gone
I was in the room alone with you, I walked over to the bed and you were lying there, eyes closed, breathing but very quietly. I saw your chart and it read COMA, and nothing else. I sat down next to you on the bed, you did not move, I picked up your hand and placed it upon my arm so you could feel my hairs and slowly moved it back and forth. I then leaned in and whispered into your ear “darling, my Queen, I am here, your master has found you again and all will be well. I know you can here me and I know what it is like to be where you are but just listen to me and come home. You are stuck between two worlds and the one you desire to be at won’t take you yet so come home baby…just come home. Your Cesar awaits.”
I left for the day and as I walked out of the hospital I immediately was at work, the day seemed to take forever but when it was done I was at the hospital talking to you, telling you how much I loved you, and how to try to work you way out of the limbo you are in and to come back to the people who love you and each visit I let you know that your Cesar was there. This seemed to go on for weeks, every day I was there for you and with you. When I wasn’t with you I was working and back to you again. Back and forth and back and forth constantly. I was watching as you were losing weight, your eyes sinking into the back of your head, it was looking hopeless but I never gave up. It became every day and night I was there talking to you, telling you stories, anything I could do to keep your mind flowing.
For some reason one afternoon I left to go to work and it became a dual image me working, and you in bed. Only your son was with you and as I was yelling at someone at work your eyes blinked and then opened and you asked “where is he, where is my Cesar?” and I woke up.

Why

Why has the world lied to me
telling me about love and war
all is fair in these games
but games they are not at all

Why do they say it will just take time
it will all be fine you’ll see
when love is gone it hurts too much
for it to be fine by me

But go back I never will
not a chance you’ll see
even if she calls my name
I won’t be there this time
and time is all the game

Why do people lie so much
and care so friggin little
when they tell you that alls well
when all is so very brittle

Why has the world made me believe
that time will heal all wounds
you will get over it in time
all good things take time
time can kiss my ass

Saint Me

Ode to Saint Me

My dearest dearest Saintly one, the one that is so true
how can I ever repay you, what on earth can I do
may I beg for you at your feet, pray for your forgiveness
tell you all of the things I have done wrong in life
and meet you at those pearly gates

May you feel sorrow for me
for all that I have been through
may you lift me up as you have once done
look into my eyes and say
come in my child, come into me

Relax in my heaven, feel free within my gates
allow me to hold you, to feel the release of your pains
have my shoulder to cry upon, allow it to be thine
away will go all your troubles, your nightmares of life
come into me my child, come back in to my life