Fridays

What is it about Fridays that get me so down
I don’t get it, every Friday I am depressed
I get mad at the world for any and every reason
I’ve got an attitude so big that I just want to poop myself
and cry about the fact that i am still here
while others are dying everywhere else
Fridays do not make me happy
it is the end of the week and I am now sad
I do not drink, smoke, get high, screw, love, party,
enjoy other people, I have not fucked my wife in years
and even a mistress I could not fuck, timing was everything
and our timing never happened. So what is with me?
Am I always like this? No, I have some really good days,
it is just every Friday I feel this way. I do not work on Friday,
maybe that is the reason, i am home, alone, trying to get things done
and hating every second of the day. It blows… really it does.
Motivating myself to do anything becomes next to impossible, shit
i even try to lie down for a nap and I can’t fall asleep. Fridays are
just a day for me to bitch about and I am bitching now. Anybody have
any ideas?
Yea… I didn’t think so…

?

Life begins again, but not for me
it just goes back to whence it came
I went and played once i should have left then
but I took it for real when it was just a game
Life often shakes itself around, up and down
I should not have listened i should have felt the same
but when that whisper touched my skin, entered my ear and reached my brain
I heard what I thought was true, I should have heard it as lame
lame it is and lame it was, lame I am and lame I shall be
lame as the wanderer, lame as the leg, lame as the word
the word called love

Me

so who am I to you
one that loves but no more
one that I feel loneliness for
one that states fondness of
one that shares no more
time
place
feelings
wannabees?
Wannabees are me
I wannabee with you
I wannabee known to you
I wannabee forever in your dreams
I wannabee no more
no more in the world of make believe
no more alongside the places I had
no more on Saba or in the sanctuary
no more in a world that was to be for me
I only wannabee
who I am to thee
and who I am to thee
is me

Seizures

Yes I have them and no it is not from epilepsy, it is from a brain disorder that stopped some blood vessels from forming into capillaries at birth. It is pretty bad and I should not still be alive but I am… lucky I guess. The seizure only affects the right side of my body and I have never had any kind of a black out, or grand mal seizure. But if any of you were ever wondering what it is like to go through one of these little bastards I shall explain the best I can.
A seizure is a weird thing, if you have ever or do ever see someone having one it looks as though they are just flailing around in the wind, arms, legs just flipping around madly with no control. I have seen people imitate seizures (humor…) and they are not that far off but yet they are millions of miles off at the same time.
What happens during a seizure is all the muscles in the affected area flex and relax and repeat over and over again. So if you flex your bicep for example you tighten those muscles and then relax them right? Right, now try to imagine that all the muscles in the arm flex and relax at the same time, now take it further, all the muscles get broken down into tiny parts. So instead of one muscle you now have thousands of little muscles flexing and letting go all at different times, the times being so fast, milli, micro, and nano seconds, that to the eye it looks like the arm flailing around but to the person having the seizure it is a hell almost not worth living. All of these little muscles twitching, releasing… if you look at it, it seems like a horror movie with all these parts bumping up and down all over and not stopping.
I am lucky in that it is only affecting my arm, but to others that have more of their body affected it is a nightmare every time. I am also lucky in the fact that my seizures only last a few minutes with the worst one being over 5 minutes. In that one i felt electrical shocks running up and down my arm and I was begging to black out so I would no longer feel it, I didn’t of course but it hurt like hell and took days to recover from.
I tell you this because it is a part of me, I have had three seizures this month with the worse one in years happening yesterday, 4 min 10 sec almost electrical but stopped before it got there completely. I’ll be better in a few days, thanks
If you wish to comment or question then please do so, I’ll look forward to it.

-I write for me

Friends?

How do you do it? How do you manage to go on?
Well I know how, your feelings about this short lived relationship were/are far different than mine. For you I have to believe it was a game. Yes I know that you have denied this to me but I still believe it was. You stepped out, wanted to try again and picked me. It might have been a game for me too had we not fallen in love so fast. But yet it was more than love for me. It was the friend I never had, the one that no matter what I said or how I said it was always there to listen and comment on it. And you taught me so much about life and about the world and even religion, which I always stayed away from. Views I had never seen or heard before. They were from another side of the world, places I had never thought of, never planned to be, but with you I was there. You became my friend, one that I never knew I needed and now one that I find so hard to live without.

The only way for me to look at this is the absolute closest friend I have ever had has just passed on and I am taking it hard. One reason is that I have never had a friend that close, nor have I ever wanted one. The other thing is I don’t like people and you are a person that has affected me so much I can not forget you, ever! I go through periods of love, hate, sadness, despising you, needing you and around and around we go… will this stop? I do wonder. Five months out of a three month relationship and I am worthless. Neither here nor there, I am totally without you and that is good but getting over you…. another story for sure. One that will find its way out of my soul but for now still lives inside of me.

-iwrit4me

Life Has Broken Me

Life has broken me, I never thought it would
but I was wrong
I was living my life full of my own decisions and my own cares
but I was wrong
I loved what I was doing, who I had been and who I am
but I was wrong
health had tried to break me, love had tried to play me
but I was wrong
I needed to test, I needed to see, I found the one
but I was wrong
that one wanted to love me and I too wanted her
but I was wrong
what I got was broken, painful inside, painful outside
nothing to say, nowhere to turn, screaming for help
where no one can hear
I need her but there is no one there
Life has broken me… care to share?

Louise Erdrich (The Painted Drum)

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”