Life sucks and then you…

It has become a battle ground at home, we are fighting all the time over the smallest, stupidest things and it is becoming incredibly hard to handle. I am in pain and she wants to heal me but can’t because we fight too much. Not a good situation.
I am at the point where after 29 years I am ready to end this, go on in my life, alone, and deal with my own shit.
She has finally fallen into a field of work that she loves, is making a living from it, so I don’t have to worry about that. There are no children so no concern there. It is just the two of us so…wtf! Time to go.
If it can end peacefully it would be ideal, we could remain friends, go on with our lives but that will never happen, not with her and of this I am sure. So, what to do? Become enemies, have a bitter divorce, hurt more from that? Yup, that is the way to go.
Wish me luck for I will need it to get through this.


The other day…

So I got to work in the am, she usually arrives around 11. By 11:30 she was not there, I began to wonder what was up when a friend of ours came by and told me she was in a lot of pain the night before and was clutching at her liver, which by the way need to be replaced and yes she is on the waiting list. Now I was worried, I jumped to her twitter site and saw the last one was two hrs ago which meant she was ok and on her way but still I freaked. I have seen her in this pain before, it worried me then and it worried me now. I overheard someone say that they got in touch with her and she was stuck in traffic and she would be hear soon. I got up went outside and waited on the patio in a place that I would be able to see her when she arrived. Which worked, she came up to me, asked how I was feeling, told her I was fine. “Really?” she said, really but tell me… what happened to you last night was my words. She gave me a quizzical look and said “what do you mean?” With your pains i said… she looked, asked how I knew, I told her since I can keep nothing from her (which I don’t quite understand) and she gave me the whole story…

I got home and wrote this email of which I have yet to send, and thinking I won’t, at least not until the divorce comes through…

June 17, 2011

Ok Baby, I need to say this now so please read on.
Once I heard about your episode the other night it hit me harder than ever before.
I am very much still in love with you,
I want to be the person that takes care of you for the rest of your life,
I want to be by your bedside when you are ill, and walk down the street with you when you are well,
I want to read to you at night,
I want to give you the last kiss of the day, and be the first one to say good morning to you when you awake,
I want to be the person that you love,
I want to be there when you pass,
and I want to be the person by your side forevermore.

I can’t help but feeling that you will be somewhere and your health kicks you and I am not there to help you. I want to be there, I feel I have to be there.

I am very serious about this as I have never felt this way before.

Baby, I want to be back in your life…

And I expect you to say “sigh, no and I told you this before…” but I had to let you know

I came to write

I came to write today
to tell you all how it is again
to have fallen in love
and have it ripped out
and never to return again
But there is a new thing going on
I am falling for a woman of egypt
that I will most likely never see
never feel and always want
You see she is an internet friend
which really sucks
We met during the revolution
kept on, she and I both needed help
and got it from each other
she wishes I was there
I wish she was here
and we can not as of yet
meet in the middle.
The time will come I am sure
which will only lead to other probs
there is a generation between us
25 solid effin years
when she hits 35, I will be 60
sounds like shit to me, for her
in the middle of her prime, to be with someone
that will be considered her father, grandfather
OY, I say
what is wrong with me this time…
why am feeling this feeling of feelings
with someone at the end of a keyboard?
My life at home is nothing more than ok
am I searching for something… yes, of course I am
is this search/find realistic? Probably not
I want it to happen, but know that it won’t
I am sore, tired, hungry, health sucks, brain hurts
and I have found someone 6000mi away that likes me
someone at home that says she loves me
and someone that I love who says go away

How do I start this one

Why bother
Why bother to communicate with this one
every time I do it hurts
it reaches inside my heart and yanks it out
only to throw it back and see how it lands
Does he hurt more or less this time
Will he stand tall when he receives his kick
or crumble from the pain
as he has been doing for 6 months now
I gave her what she wanted, I deleted her from me
erased everything, trashed it all (except for 1)
and, yes love I emptied the fuckin trash…
I chocked up as I did it, been sleeping badly ever since
oh well, she got me to do it
all for her and none for me
I’ll just fold turn in my cards
and call it a day
While I wait for my next bit of hell to appear
sooner than one cares to think but it must be done
Departure is on its way
It will be hell, fire, and brimstone
I will try for that not to happen but as she will say
you are my everything
followed by
I do everything for you, I’ll do anything whatever you want
You dear have refused too many time and I must go now
sorry but that is the way…
Shit will fly, from everywhere… let us pray she doesn’t kill me
or let us pray that she does…
I am not doing this for you, but it was you that showed me
what i needed, and was not getting any of..
So, homewrecker you are not but yes you are for without you
I would still be sitting around waiting for nothing that will ever come
TY my queen, my mistress, my lover, my whore… I shall be alone soon
and I promise not to let you know…

It happened too soon

The only way to explain this is to just lay it all out. `09 was the year, she became part of a group I was in and the more meetings we had the more interested I became in her.This went on for a few months and we began to talk whenever we saw each other, which for 10 years before was never done. Emails began to be sent to each other with slight innuendo’s which made us both start thinking of possibilities. Then in November I went down to another close visit with death, blood clot hit the brain, 4 days in ICU, released from hospital then I became paralyzed for a month before any movement came back. PT for six months and made it back to work, barely… Taught for a semester, meetings were held, glad to be back and for some strange reason before the semester break I called her my Queen. It affected her greatly, she came out of wherever she had hid herself and in Sept we met. In a way it was great and in many other ways it was not. I, married, fell in love with a woman that I could not satisfy and she had a ton of guilt for us being together in the first place. We broke, I broke down, and now she and I are totally apart, most likely forever.
My point is I feel all of this happened too soon after my bout with health and that is what affected me the way it did. I wanted her greatly, any way I could but I could not perform, why? Well the b.c. affected me to the point that I was having very little sensitivity in many places and I never knew it until then. That along with the fact that I had not had an opportunity for such an activity since the one at home and I hadn’t done a thing for years, her choice and I didn’t argue.
When we broke up I fell apart, lost any strength I ever had and just became a worthless soul needing anything to get me through. Well the only thing that has worked was time, not in the way that most people will say that time heals all but in the fact that the clot has been shrinking and more and more feelings are coming back, my thoughts are coming back and I feel more like the person I used to be than the person I was last year. So, that is why I feel it happened too soon, if we waited longer, more of me would have been with us and God only knows what we could have done, I do have an idea though, and it would have been great for both of us. However, it may never happened at all if we did wait, too many changes in the world, too many things that would have become more important than two people falling in love.
I could go on more but I believe you get the point, I am no longer mad at her, I am no longer not feeling things, and I really wish I would have that opportunity again, but that will not happen, at least not with her and that I know.

How’s this for a concept

We met years ago, worked together, but different departments, our paths barley crossed. Hellos and how are yous were fine, not even a cup of jo was had between us and then last year a spark was lit and we pursued. Love came into the picture, she was my queen and I her master which turned into “the greatest love the world has ever seen, that of Cesar and Cleopatra” is how we played our game. I totally fell into it and she just played along until the break up and then, as past writings will attest to, Cleo killed Cesar.
That was it, our affair was done, we all know it was incredibly hard for me to handle and the more I think about it the more reasons I come up with as to why, but that is not today’s story. Today’s story has to do with the world and what has happened since our breakup. You see our affair ended in December of last year, the 5th to be precise. Since then there have been revolutions in the Middle East, one of which seems ok, the other seems like a sham and there are still others still being fought. There has been major earthquakes through out the world, tsunami’s and the failure (meltdown) of 4 major nuclear power plants, tornado’s ravaging across the states, the death of a major player in the terrorist system, and god only knows what will be next. It does not feel right, and neither did our break up. What if all this is happening because of the demise of “the greatest love the world has ever seen” Cesar & Cleo? Could our breakup have pissed off the gods, were we supposed to be together and mold this love we created into the beautiful thing it could have been? And what if I was right, what if we were the return of those two lovers, and the gods played it so well that the timing was perfect and we were supposed to grow with/from it? Could all of this shit happening in the world today been caused by Cleo killing Cesar? What a concept that would be.
Now understand from me, I have been in love before, for sure three solid times and thinking in each one that this is the lasting one, but none of them compared to what we had, and she also having been in love before had told me that she two had never felt a love like ours before.WHAT IF I AM RIGHT? What if this really was it and now that it is over the Gods are sooooo pissed off that they are taking it out on the world?
Just a thought.

M, I do still miss you…A

A lock of her hair

Getting dressed this morning put on a shirt that hasn’t been worn in a while
and there it was, a single lock of her hair stuck on the shirt in the middle of my chest
the exact spot where she used to lay her head when she relaxed into my arms.
It brought back all the memories again, all the feelings that were felt for her
while we were in love, and all the tears for her ever since she left.
I still miss this woman so much it is at times unbearable.
We never spoke after the break up, except for a few minutes under
the protection of a work environment, and for that I am still grieving.
I picked the hair up and looked at it to make sure it was hers, it was
there is no other color like that one here. i picked it up and let it shine in the light
A tear tried to form in my eye of which I fought back, I brought that hair towards my lips
and let it caress them then I kissed it with all I had and placed it back on my chest.
I checked it from time to time through out the day to make sure it was still there
it actually brought me some comfort to see it still, towards the end of my day I went to
drive home, before putting the key into the ignition I took one more look and it was gone.
I checked, and checked and it no longer with me. I slumped down behind the wheel thinking
of the last day we spent together, she took me into her bed and talked small talk for hours
would not allow anything else to happen, talked about nothing i can remember, rubbed my chest
held my hand and then it was time to go, she had someone she had to pick up and help move
and I had to beat the traffic. She got out of bed walked towards her closet, pulled on a pair of jeans
removed her gown and there she was topless for me to see the beauty of her bare skin, her breasts
staring at me almost as if they were saying goodbye, “I’ll wear this” she said as she pulled on a sweater
going bra-less, she looked so hot! I did not want to leave, I wanted her more at that very point than ever before
but leave we did with just a kiss goodbye.
My God I still miss her so, i am writing this with tears in my eyes thinking of the email I got later that day
when she said that she was too sorry that we left that way and that she was chocking up as she drove down that road
But that was it, we have never seen each other again without other people around, never met again no matter how
hard I tried, she has gotten what she wanted and I am so far from her… I do miss her so…. sigh…