A Scarf

A hat and scarf arrived today
in a matching color of grey
to replace the one left on the plane
that was my pillow for the ride

I tried it on, fits perfectly
like one that was home made
so snug, so warm, so she for me
I will wear it everyday

so add this to the list of things
I am to be grateful for
like microwaves and walks in the park
and green eyes that stare at me

what would I do without those eyes
that so easily make me laugh and cry
when according to People’s Parties
its all in the same release


Holy Shit…it’s a new day

What a fuckin’ weekend, well
at least it was for me
found a way to give relief
to a pain that’s been around
too long
we fucked like bunnies
well, would have if the legs,
arms, and hips had kept workin’
shit, I had no idea I could
last that long
met the Doc who thought I was
the son that always comes
I guess he should look at
who is in the room
next time he barges
through the door
met the *Mom*
what else need be said
I am becoming part of the `family’
and I can’t wait for more
Its a new day
a new life
a new way
it is…
A New Day


once there
once there was
once there was only
once there was only you
once there was only you forever
once there was only you forever but
once there was only you forever but forever
once there was only you forever but forever came
once there was only you forever but forever came and
once there was only you forever but forever came and went
and now there is only me


so when she comes to visit
all I can do is cry
because when she comes to visit
it is only in my dreams
but when I go to visit
it is hugs and prayers
smiles all abound and
the holding of our hands
when I go to visit
the love pours from our souls
the visit that I always wanted
with the one I have always sought
oh when she comes to visit
I am so alone
oh when she comes to visit
she is all alone
so let me find a way to fly
to take my tears up in the sky
and when I go to visit
let us go and sip some rye
for when I go to visit
when *I* go to visit
we shall calm each others fears
when I go to visit
we shall try…


so let the sky release it’s soul
and fly upon the wind so bold
the world is coming to meet I’m told
and I am feeling oh so old

but yet younger as I travel on
through a new love that I have found
the one that gives me my desires
as I have dreamed of through my empires

so once again here we go
to carry with her loves of old
on her back like one paroled
and one for me to hold

The Wake

I suppose you have heard, at least in passing, of a Ai student that was murdered New Years Eve, well he was one of mine. He and I actually got pretty close, which is unusual for me but he was easy to let in, he asked the right questions and I answered him with truths.
He took my classes, has been my TA for the past three semesters and was going into his last semester when he was struck down. A fight broke out at his house, and he ended up being stabbed three times in the heart along with being slashed on his arms and legs. There is much more to the fight story but that pretty much sums it up.
The wake and funeral were this past week, I went to both. At the wake there were at least 100 students there, a huge crowd of people turned out. He, if this is possible, would have been very happy with the crowd size. I have not been to a wake in a gazillion years so I just followed the crowd, signed my name and continued to follow the line. I looked around and there were people sitting in the pews crying, holding each other, the body was in a open casket and people were stopping in front of it, some bowing, others looking like they were praying and then moving on to a spot that they chose to sit. The line moved on down towards the front until I was there facing three people I had never seen before. His `mothers’ looked at me, and I at them and I put out my hand to introduce myself and as soon as I said my name they so broke down, hugging me, crying, thanked me for being there, telling me how he always spoke of me, that I was his mentor, he would always do what I said… they went on and on, and I really could not handle it, broke down with them… *sigh*… I was also embarrassed by what they were saying, nobody ever, I mean ever said so many wonderful things about me and this was all coming from words he spoke to them about me… I wanted to dig a hole and hide, but that is not what I do so I cried with them, hugged them profusely, offered my services if they ever needed a n y t h i n g, and moved on until…
I found myself standing in front of the casket with Tony in it. Now, you must understand Tony was a student of audio recording and what I was seeing was Tony in a casket, surrounded by plants, in front of a stage that was lined with eight microphones, and to the right was a piano and a drum set, of which he played both. This was just slightly surrealistic in my mind but I could deal with it. So, there I am standing alone with him, and I am looking at him thinking, “Yo T, I know you better than this, what are you going to do for me?” I am standing there, waiting… looking for a small smile to pop up out of the side of his mouth, maybe a twitch of an eyelid, even a small fart that only I could hear, but no, there was nothing. I put my first two fingers of my right hand to my lips and put them down lightly on his forehead and whispered ” I love you Tony, I hope to see you soon” Then I raised my fingers and moved on.
Little did I realize what I moved on to was, in a way, my own hell. Not more than ten steps away I was being greeted by students bawling their eyes out, so glad I was there, hugging, crying, at one time I had three students on my crying, as I try to hand my cane over to anybody so I balance myself off of the students, hand them napkins, tissues, anything I could find (one kid got my eye glass cleaner), it was intense. I held strong for them, calming, talking, whispering to them of how it was to be able to share our pains and at the same time share our love for him. I went to many different rows, talking to students trying to be solid for them, not letting them know that I was breaking inside.
It was one of the hardest things I had ever done, to be there for so many people while I was breaking up inside… wow is pretty much all I can say.
I found a spot to sit, stayed for the full three hours just watching it all unfold before me, console when and where I could, and feel the loss of a good man at 21

I thank you M.L. for being by my side the whole time, I want to also thank Pearl for understanding my writings, and Pete, Jon, and Austin for being my bros.

Tomorrow I will be in my studio, I need to paint… a lot


my tears, my eyes, my horrid song
all lead me to my sorrow
it is too much for me today
and I already wish it was the morrow
2013 you are being to cruel to me
and it has just begun
what will the rest of this
shit year bring when all
is said and done
I am at this point
the weakest I have ever been
it makes it so hard to go on
even though I know I will
no matter what, it will be tough
for what I need is too far away
and she can not get here
alone I stand, in the muck of sorrow
feeling all the pains
of my body and my heart
my grey cells are all failing me
and I have no room for delusion
cremation is a good solution
while alive, let me feel its pain
those of the flames i have felt before
and spread me out on the lower
and say goodnight to me