Help…

omg do I ever need it now… I am lost, lonely, tired, pained, and overall fucked.
It has been 8 months and she still has not left my mind, everyday, every night, every hour she is in there and won’t come out. I know what is killing me about this and that is she brought me happiness and joy that no one else was ever able to show me and yet she then show me pain, misery, disrepair like no other. And that is now ruining my life. I know have to leave the life I have had for the past 30 years for there is nothing left for me here. There is no joy, no happiness, nothing that says to me how good this is and how great it has been. The only feelings I have now are that I want to live alone, be alone, and if I find loneliness at least I will find it alone. We have talked about this, fought about this tried to recover from it and I want to be alone, period. So, how in the world do I get the confidence to do so when I feel so down, so blue, so alone. There is no support standing behind me, nothing, no body to say atta-boy you got it now, nope nothing…. so I am on my own to get on my own, to feel alone on my own to have the balls to get on my own…

shit…

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Who the fuck am I trying to kid?

Yes, yes, yes, I talk a mean streak, I sound like my balls have returned, and I am fine without her… bullshit!
I think of her every night STILL, I dream of her every day, every song I hear has some reminder of her, tears still form in my eyes if I think of her for too long.
Jesus Christ why can’t I just get a fuckin divorce and marry her, that is the only answer I have… and a dream I have concocted that gives me something to look “forward” too?
Sigh…

Once Again

The end has come, her game became exposed last night in a fury of emails that said nothing that I did not already know. Stay out of my life, I will no longer tell you anything, you are insane, and a few other choice words that meant nothing to me anymore.
This puts us back to where we were 3 weeks ago where there was no communication and I am fine with this. She does not anger me any longer, there is no frustration of needing to be with her, I can not say my love is gone but it is pushed way in the back and yes… I do wish this never happened.

Au voir my Egyptian whore, may the next married man you score be better for you than I was.

Repeditive Dreams….

So, we have not spoken in weeks, nothing, not a word. Last time we did she told me she was invited to give a keynote speech at a conference somewhere in N Africa but would tell me where or what and when I asked again she told me not to be so persistent! She then made sure that people we both know would not tell me a thing. In fact they have been avoiding me like the plague.
Last night was a decent night, went out for dinner, did not fight… almost, got to bed around 11 and somewhere through the night I started dreaming. I was at work, sitting at my desk correcting and reading through papers when I heard her arrive at her desk, her computer turned on, her phone rang, a conversation was had and she got off the phone. I said to myself I had had enough… I got up, went to her desk and said ” May I ask you a personal question?” she looked up at me with that quizzical look, stared for a while and then said yes… I asked her if she was seeing anybody. Her look changed completely, an almost angry face appeared and she said “no, why?” I asked “are you in any kind of relationship at all?” She was now getting annoyed and said “I don’t know why you are asking me these things, especially at work but I don’t like it so please go away and stop this” I then dropped down to one knee and I said ” Baby, I am asking for your hand in marriage, I would like you to be my wife, and I your husband. I want take care of you until we are no longer here and I will be yours forever if you should agree…” She sat back in her chair, sort of stunned, her eyes sort of started to smile but I am not sure of that and then I woke up.
I lied there in bed and muttered “what the fuck?” as I listened to the breathing next to me. I just lied there trying to figure out why a dream like that as I fell back to sleep.
I don’t know how long it was but I started dreaming again, this time it started the same, I was at work, sitting at my desk correcting and reading through papers when I heard her arrive at her desk, her computer turned on, her phone rang, a conversation was had and she got off the phone. I then gathered people that were working around me and got a few others along the way, and we all approached her desk. I was surrounded by friends and colleagues of ours, there were even people that did not work there anymore, everyone was smiling as if they knew what was going to happen. I said to her… Hi… she looked at me and everyone else and said “whats this all about?” I said “I need to ask you a question, I asked her if she was seeing anybody.” She totally took offense at this and said “Are you out of your friggin mind? Don’t ever talk to me again!” She tried to get up and walk away when someone named Howard said ” Just wait a minute and sit back down.” She looked at him, then me, then everyone else, took a deep breath and sat back down. I said” well are you?” She said no. I then asked “Any relationship at all” I said, no again was the answer. I then dropped down to one knee and I said ” Baby, I am asking for your hand in marriage, I would like you to be my wife, and I your husband. I want take care of you until we are no longer here and I will be yours forever if you should agree…” She sat back in her chair, sort of stunned, her eyes sort of started to smile, looking around at everyone she shook her head, told me I was crazy, I told her that I knew that… and then I awoke. “Shit!” I said under my breadth what is this all about, why now, why her, why marriage… I had no answers, got up, went to the bathroom, a glass of water back to bed without an explanation. Tossed and turned for over an hour and fell back to sleep. Was at work again, only this time I had arranged for a florist to deliver a ton of different kinds of roses and other flowers so that her area was covered with them, only her chair was exposed. You could smell the flowers all over the second floor. I saw her come in, I let her pass, I heard ‘what the fuck?” come out of her mouth. I got up, went to her area, saw her sitting there surrounded by the flowers, wishing I had a camera since you will never see anything like this again, i said hello, and what do you think, she looked at me and then I then dropped down to one knee and I said ” Baby, I am asking for your hand in marriage, I would like you to be my wife, and I your husband. I want take care of you until we are no longer here and I will be yours forever if you should agree…” and I woke up again… this was starting to piss me off, especially since I was not getting an answer. I lied there thinking how fuckin crazy this was… fell back to sleep and dreaming AGAIN! This time I was at her front door, I knocked and there was no answer, I knocked again and nothing, I called and she answered, I asked where she was and if I could see her, the response was “we have been through this before and no I can not see you” I said “look I am at you door, just open it enough for us to see each other for I have a question for you>” She hung up the phone… next thing I hear is her at the door saying “What do you want?” I asked her to please open the door, she would not, I then said “ok, don’t open but do answer… Are you seeing anyone? “WHAT!!!” was her response, I said “are you in any kind of a relationship?” She opened the door enough to see her and she said “:: what do you want… I responded with “answers please…” ” she said ” no, and no, and I don’t want to ever again…” I replied with ” thats all well and good but i have one thing to ask of you, a what came from her and I said I then dropped down to one knee and I said ” Baby, I am asking for your hand in marriage, I would like you to be my wife, and I your husband. I want take care of you until we are no longer here and I will be yours forever if you should agree…” yup, I woke up after I asked, did not even get to see her face this time.
The alarm went off, 5am shit I said and got up to start the day. Drove the wife to the train, came back, fired up the email and found an email from her saying:
Subject: Hope you’re ok
Just checking on you. Was surprised you were not in school today. Hope you are well and healthy and happy.
Let me know. please.
WHY NOW, WHY AFTER LAST NIGHT, AND WHY DOES SHE WANT TO KNOW… fuck`n`ell