The realization hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday.
I was on you tube listening to some John Lennon songs that I had worked on (Double Fantasy/Milk and Honey) yesterday. I have no idea why, I never go to YT, don’t really like it, never have, but yesterday I was there. I am listening to the tunes breaking them down, doubled vocals, reverb returns getting gated, T L bass lines, E S and H M guitars and right out of nowhere I break down and tears are running like a fuckin river down my face. I miss this man so much, he was taken away while I still knew him, it hurts, still. So I am feeling this pain in my heart, one that has been there for thirty years or so now when I realize I know this pain. I know it to well and to recently, this is the pain I have been feeling since December, since the break up. WTF I said, she got that fuckin deep? The answer is yes, she did, she hit a place that only one other has been and it took me this long to realize it.
30 years and I still mourn for John, I know he will never return, I know I was there, I know that I have kept my pains hidden from the world very well, until this past year (30th anniversary of his death…) when I did break down and let it out. And now that very spot in my heart and soul has a new visitor, only one that is still alive, still in communications, still will never understand how deeply she reached me, and still will not let herself back in.
As far as she is concerned time will heal my wounds, it will pass, I will wonder what ever got into me, and laugh about it… Uh… no darlin’, it will not be that way at all. You are with me forever, and no matter how many times I try, and how many other ways I try to explain ,you will still think of it as “it just takes time, it was just a break up, you’ll be fine.”
If what I felt yesterday was true, and I know it was and is, then darling I am afraid you will never leave that spot of which you have claimed to be yours. I shall do for you what I have done for so long for John and I shall hide my feelings from the world. The world has no clue anyway. And I will do my best to hide them from you, a bit difficult since you are still effin alive, and honestly I still want to be with you, even if it is just for one day, or night, one hour, or whatever… my feelings shall never pass and as long as you don’t read this then I will probably be able to pull it off.
Just in case you do read this i want you to know that every time we communicate hurts me, every time I think of you hurts me, every time you do not tell me some thing, hurts me, every time you open up again and think I am ok and we can be “friends” hurts, and when you told me that you have a “fondness and warmth” for me, hurt like fuckin hell. What does that mean anyway, fondness and warmth… sometimes I just don’t understand…