Loneliness

What is this feeling I am going through
I always feel so alone
When I am with her I truly feel lonely
When I am not with her I feel so alone
I am never with you so that doesn’t play in
however I am always thinking of you
and that makes the loneliness even greater
The thoughts of you never stop
no matter how old this has gotten
that just make me feel more alone
I suppose this is how I will go, but
I’d rather be alone and feel lonely
than be with someone and feel loneliness

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I Curse Us Everyday

I curse you every day for what you have done to me
I curse you for the breakfast we shared
I curse you for the kiss you gave
I curse you
I curse me for the invite I gave to you
I curse me for letting you in to my domain
I curse me for kissing you back
I curse me
I curse us for the relationship we created
I curse us for the love we shared
I curse us for feeling so tender
I curse us
I curse me for thinking that we had a love
I curse you for having me feel that way
I curse us for playing the game
I curse our souls
I curse you for ending our time
I curse me for not being true
I curse you for torturing me
I curse me for feeling I needed you
I curse you for wanting to be friends
I curse me for loving you still
I curse the nothing that we now have
I curse the hatred that I now feel towards you
I curse our souls for touching
I curse our lives for reaching
I curse every moment we spent
I curse you every day for existing
I curse me every day for existing
I curse the fact that we still know each other
and I curse my life for allowing you to enter
I curse you
I curse me
I curse us…

Yup… it’s Friday…

And here I am again just wondering what it would have been like
had we kept on the way we were
I always wonder that
and yet I wonder how I could have blown us so far apart with my actions
A quick review, we met, we loved, we broke apart. Simple enough,
it happens every day in every way and this one seemed right and logical
But I could not deal, I wanted us always, never to leave, never to part, never to be without.
Oh well, I blew this so far out of proportion that I should suffer many eternity’s in hell for my actions.
All I wanted was to be together, and all I have is nothing.
Again, my fault… the break went fine, we talked about it and the reasons why, even agreed I did.
She still loved me but could no longer “love” me. Fine, we were to be friends forever, everything was good
I still had her, she was a great friend, an understanding sole, and beautiful, what more could anyone want?
Her
Thats what I wanted, I wanted all of her and I tried everything and any stupid thing to get that to happen and failed every time.
Her mind was made up and mine was desperate, I was determined to make it happen and all i did was make it fail.
I am sorry my love, all I wanted was you, and all you wanted was me no longer. I still shed tears for all that happened
and all I am missing.
We are now down to no communication, a quick hi if we ever see each other, and I still, STILL feel a broken heart and soul over this.
Yea, it is Friday… and yes, I miss her still…

OK, well…

Now we are back to no communication. Best for both of us I suppose, I no longer have to try to find a way to make me happy in her eyes again, and she, I am sure, doesn’t really care. So, done, fin, kaput, no more.

I am no longer mad, sad still, but not mad. In fact I am not sure if I am even sad, I am just done. This whole thing played out much too long, I am fried from it and I want it no more. Which is where she was 6 months ago… it takes me a while to catch up.

So, goodbye for good baby may all come well upon you as I hope, someday the same will come for me.

Disappointment

Disappointment is the key word here, disappointment in the fact that she has thrown out a line again, touched base and said “bla bla bla, I have a the greatest fondness and warmth for you that I don”t wish to lose…

Can somebody, anybody please tell me what the fuck she means by that?

John Syndrom

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday.
I was on you tube listening to some John Lennon songs that I had worked on (Double Fantasy/Milk and Honey) yesterday. I have no idea why, I never go to YT, don’t really like it, never have, but yesterday I was there. I am listening to the tunes breaking them down, doubled vocals, reverb returns getting gated, T L bass lines, E S and H M guitars and right out of nowhere I break down and tears are running like a fuckin river down my face. I miss this man so much, he was taken away while I still knew him, it hurts, still. So I am feeling this pain in my heart, one that has been there for thirty years or so now when I realize I know this pain. I know it to well and to recently, this is the pain I have been feeling since December, since the break up. WTF I said, she got that fuckin deep? The answer is yes, she did, she hit a place that only one other has been and it took me this long to realize it.
30 years and I still mourn for John, I know he will never return, I know I was there, I know that I have kept my pains hidden from the world very well, until this past year (30th anniversary of his death…) when I did break down and let it out. And now that very spot in my heart and soul has a new visitor, only one that is still alive, still in communications, still will never understand how deeply she reached me, and still will not let herself back in.
As far as she is concerned time will heal my wounds, it will pass, I will wonder what ever got into me, and laugh about it… Uh… no darlin’, it will not be that way at all. You are with me forever, and no matter how many times I try, and how many other ways I try to explain ,you will still think of it as “it just takes time, it was just a break up, you’ll be fine.”
If what I felt yesterday was true, and I know it was and is, then darling I am afraid you will never leave that spot of which you have claimed to be yours. I shall do for you what I have done for so long for John and I shall hide my feelings from the world. The world has no clue anyway. And I will do my best to hide them from you, a bit difficult since you are still effin alive, and honestly I still want to be with you, even if it is just for one day, or night, one hour, or whatever… my feelings shall never pass and as long as you don’t read this then I will probably be able to pull it off.
Just in case you do read this i want you to know that every time we communicate hurts me, every time I think of you hurts me, every time you do not tell me some thing, hurts me, every time you open up again and think I am ok and we can be “friends” hurts, and when you told me that you have a “fondness and warmth” for me, hurt like fuckin hell. What does that mean anyway, fondness and warmth… sometimes I just don’t understand…