Whew, what a week

for all those that are wondering if I have departed
the answer is no, my begging of the gods
hit upon closed ears and I am actually glad they did
for I am still here and I have a chance to love again.

this was a really tough week for me, there was the
full moon, a major CME (coronal mass ejection) caused
by a meteor crashing into the sun, and a seizure which
knocked the shit out of me and left me in a heavily
depressive state.

No I am not an epileptic, I have seizures due to the
fact that I was born with an AVM (Arterio-Venous Malformation)
which is a cluster of malformed blood vessels that never
formed into capillaries at birth. The seizures only affect
my right shoulder and arm so I am lucky for that but I have
discovered that things that happen in space can kick me
into a seizure, and this week there was plenty going on.

The full moon is one thing, and yes I do tend to get them
along with the moon, but not always, and I also get them
along with CME’s, but not always. A CME is from solar
flares on the sun, the flare sends out huge quantities of
matter and electromagnetic radiation into space and if
that radiation is aimed towards earth it can affect radio
waves, electrical transmission, and me. This week, at
the same time as the full moon a meteor crashed into
the sun causing a major CME.

So, here I am sleeping during the night of the full moon
when the crash hits, I get woken up at 3am deep into
the seizure, arm flapping wildly, all muscles tightening
and releasing, tightening and releasing, and I am trying to
get it to stop. Yes, there are tricks I can do but it was to
late for this one, so I just had to ride it out, and yes it left
me weak and severely depressed (as you may have read)

So, now the effects from the seizure are over, they usually
last 3 days, the depression has left, and for some reason I
am horny as hell!!!!! *sigh* from one problem to another I

Thanks L, and Isabeau for throwing me your support, it helped
My love to you both.


I am ready

as I stand here crying
naked to the world to see
I am ready, take me
to the place that never ends
let my life seal it’s soul
I am back to the point where
what I need and what I want
are just endings
I am ready, take me

the people I love
are so few
they will miss the
curmudgeon of me
I will miss one of them
it has been a hard week
the tears still flowing
as though I was a woman
left feeling the measures
of time, the pains of the world
feel like their mine
and all I want to do
pass not even pass go

as I stand here crying
over what I no longer have
and what I want to have
I realize what I need is
to find the end to the means
chuckle some stones around
light a candle to show the sign
speak to the gods and tell them
I am ready, take me

Wondering past the emotions of time

the feelings I get
the emotions that
flow forth and back
the wondering if
the feelings that were
are still the feelings
that are
I am alone, and lonely
I need a voice that
is not there, I talk
and no one listens
people ask and I do
I ask and oh woo hoo
yes I shed tears
in times like this
maybe its just
the moon
in the feeling of
emotions that are so
far away, I feel alone
tripping over the words
to say I love you
because alone is where
I am, night after night
day after day there is
no break in time
it just flows and
where it stops
will be my que
tonight I will try
to sleep, not easy
I am too suseptable
I have too many
my dreams will just
flow into nothingness
the empty hole of
the universe
say hello as you pass
I will wave
maybe throw you
a kiss as you go
smile as your beautiful
eyes meet mine
and a tear
just for luck
becomes exposed

Not today

I have done nothing
I am getting swallowed up
in my own self pity
my strength is gone
out the window with
my last seizure
down the hole with
the nothingness
of life
today is not the day
to talk to me
I will take you and
everyone you know
down with me
so just leave
me be