Thank you

really, that is all I have to say..
read this tomorrow and smile for you know these thanks are aimed towards you
you who make me smile endlessly,
you who bring tears to me,
you who I wish to see
you who bring me joy and hope for these last stages of my life
you who will lay gesso with me
you who makes me dream
and you who are you
I have found a way
to love
miss you…


I want

I want to know
I want to be
I want to live the things I see
I want the truth
I want the sea
I want the one for thee to be me
I have seen the dark
I have seen the light
I have seen the life be spread so tight
I want to know
I want to be
I want to spend my life with thee

She asked Me

What will freedom give you?
What will you ask of it?
Is it something you are willing to say?

I want from it the freedom to never have to hide anything again
to be able to speak freely without having to pre think what I am about to say
and to be able to respond with truth to whatever is said to me even if it is hard on the other person to
and it should give me the ability to explain myself if am misunderstood

It is a desire that I so want and need to have happen in my life and I shall make it so.

My hour of Hell

Yesterday did it for me, my friend was dying and all I could do was yell at her through email chat. That was it, she was in a full blown mother fuckin asthma attack the likes of which I had never imagined and all I had was email. Fuck! How the hell was she even able to read and reply? I still don’t get it but I attacked it with all I had. From the moment she said she could not breath I tried to tell her what to do, calming her down, short slow breaths, take your meds… what is a breathy thingy any way? Sorry, but that’s all I could think of, inhaler is the proper term but how the hell did I know.
I had no idea what I was doing, or saying, all I know is that I did not want this friend of mine to die. I kept at her, breath slow, I wanted to say slow breathe but could not remember hot to spell it, breath cummon now another and another… she was crying so hard, so scared I was, so upset she was… crying harder and harder, breathing less and less, finally got to the peak flow reading test… I never heard of that either, took the test and the number sucked! Take another med, talk to me , test again…
OMG, I was so fuckin scared… someone so far away, so not knowing, so at fucking work, so not knowing who she really is, and so not knowing who to call, just keep her breathing, and calming was all I could do and it was working. Her son came and got things set up in case she passed out, had the phone ready to speed dial and knew the routine that needed to be done. I was calming down a bit when she started having mucus attacks from crying so hard… I am totally lost here… mucus attacks? So spit woman! No, its not like that she says, its more like the tears, the tears choke you to death… a nice slow calm death… DO NOT STOP BREATHING! I won’t she said, took another peak flow reading the number was up to 350 which is getting better but the mucus and the tears are still there but slowing down… and I had to leave FUCK! I had to leave work, my ride arrived and I had to leave. I don’t want to, if anything I want to fly to her, hold her in my arms and comfort her back, but no… not for me, I had to leave her in the hands of her son and she… would look for me later… Shit… I hid my tears all my way home and got on line as soon as I could and she was in pretty bad shape but still alive…


I know him for I am him
I see him for I am him
I feel him for I am him
I have his strengths for I am him
I have his weaknesses for I am him
He will survive for I want him to
He will die when I let him go

Sigh, Finally

I’ve been working on this for a few weeks…


It happened last night
I became free
I could lie there as I felt
no pain from thee
wounds of her, my suffering within
her spell has been broken
where’s that fuckin’ gin
I am free at last
the dreaded horrors
of love have past
I am healing well
my heart has breath
I no longer feel
my untimely death

Help Me

I just need this pain to go away
I am surrounded by it all
my eyes tear like mad
my head wants to explode
I feel the pain so much
I just want to let go
The help I need will not appear
it lingers too far away
a ten hour drive I am told
and I can’t get away
I want to be pain free again
I want to be set free
to roam the world
and paint my way
to the door step of the beam
the one thats coming from the moon
to the light of somewhere near
so happy so glad and so clear
to the night the hears no fear
I need this pain to go away
can you help me over here…