Delete……

I have just deleted my life for the past two years…

any and all words that had been spoken are gone…

all the tears, laughter, and desire are gone…

do I feel better? No, but I will eventually…

this site will be next…

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16 responses to “Delete……

  1. I have copies of everything when you want them – you are doing it again…still falling hun. You need to pull yourself back from where you are headed – you asked why I didn’t tell you when I saw it first? It’s because I didn’t think you would listen – so – I’m telling you again – i didn’t want to let you down again.

    • yea, I know I’m falling, well crashing is more like it. I feel it everywhere, all around me from the air I breathe down to each and every pour in my body… my AVM is the only thing that is doing fine…

      As for my new ho, I am sure I will lose her too, it is just a matter of time…

      • yes, it can be seen that way if you don’t look at the entire picture. I hurt you hard, I know but it really meant that I need help drastically and you let me try to help myself… “you’re the man” babe… I never left you to yourself from minute one and I needed you so much and could not find where you were…

      • Uh – Allan? I had the police break down your fucking door…

        I called your ex-wife because I freaked out when I couldn’t find you – I had half of Boston looking for you…

        Was that the sort of thing you had in mind?

  2. For what it’s worth, I have fallen, so hard I did not know myself at all when I clawed back up. You know this, Al?
    Truthfully, I wondered why I didn’t just die. I did not know a human could feel that bad, and live. I didn’t so much want to. My own perceived failings were the worst, by far, to live with.
    I have had to start over, all my life. It hasn’t gotten any easier. There has never been a “redo”, only a restart. I have gotten tired of it. But it’s what I have, the new start, the new possibility.

    I don’t want to intrude. But what can I do….this is still here, today at least. I’ll say what I came to.
    You must do what you feel is right. But I will ask you; please do not “delete”. Not this, not time, love, words, writings, ties, art, you, relationships. Not this time. I have tried it. It doesn’t really go away, anyway. I robbed myself, in trying to make it go away. I could not bear the past, what I thought I lost, my own mistakes, and the ugliness done me, so I tried to obliterate the history.
    I do not want to close the door on the past. Sometimes I must move on. But delete? No.
    I have also made up my mind, on ocasssion, to delete my blog. I have outgrown it, and at some places, it has gone dead. When I have tried to find my way back, I’ve found old pieces of me, I don’t so much care to revisit. There are moments I am done with, or they are done with me. There are “pictures”, small takes of one feeling or another, that are not who I am. Anymore.
    Some of those pictures do hurt to look at. They meant something different once, now they cause pain. And sometimes regret.
    I would like to learn to live without regret. I have learned to do things so as not to suffer the regret of not trying something, not daring, feeling, loving, reaching, jumping. Now I must learn to live with no regret for doing so and failing, erring, fucking up, hurting another, falling short, not telling what I could not tell.
    No…I don’t mean I don’t regret those things…for I am sorry. But not enough to try to bury it in the cat box along with all the other turds that go there, only to be whisked away into an ugly white plastic bag in the morning. I can’t fit into the plastic bag myself. I still have it all, really.
    The only way to keep from fucking up, is not to live.The ultimate fuck up. You are my friend. So I’m saying so. Don’t throw yourself in the ditch.
    I care. I am sorry you hurt. I hope you paint a picture of it, one I may see one day. Not throw all to the Johnny Cat like it’s shit. It’s not.

    I hope I’m not going somewhere I shouldn’t, but one large regret I’ve had in life has been losing the chance to ever say something I think I should have to a friend. Please forgive me if I don’t give you your space, or if I seem to make assumptions. It’s one of those mistakes I’d rather risk now, than being left with the regret of silence, because I thought my words weren’t important, or were unwanted…
    Anyway, Y’all. Carry on…

    Hugs/Love
    Pearl

  3. I am actually pretty much missing whole days from that time….and we weren’t drunk, or anything.
    Just broken.
    Actually, it were “bigs”. I cried over it…
    Some day…I will make it up to you. Somehow…

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