1 year

oh well, here I am
sitting in my chair again
just wondering what it
would have been like
if I stayed
not so good is what
I think, there were too
many arguments too
many let downs, too
much loneliness
especially when we
were together
it has been a year
since I left, thankful
that I did and I don’t
want to go back
I can see our old
selves come back
when we talk and I don’t
want that again, so then
tell me… why did I just
have a dream and in it
was just the two of us
and we were talking
about the divorce papers
and bills and health when
she asks me how my left
one was, my response was
that it was starting to feel
much better, do you want to
see? she said yes, so…
I dropped my jeans and let
them out, she reached out
for them and held them in
her hands looking up at me
asking if that was ok,
my answer yea and it feels
pretty good, she looked at me
and them and me again when
she suddenly kissed the head
softly, holding me there, kissed
again and then swallowed me
to the back of her throat
back and forth she went
deeper and deeper it felt
OMG, she was sucking
me off! I have not had any
form of sex with her for years
and now she wants to do this
she went faster and harder
never letting me out just
sucking forever it felt
it got to the point when I
was just about to cum
and I forced my way out
of he mouth, and said
thats it… now get out!
she sat there, looking at me
I said really… just go…
she then packed up all her
things and walked out the door
without looking back…
I then woke up, and I was so
angry I could have killed myself
for allowing that to happen
but it was a dream
a dream
why the fuck would I dream that
it pissed me off so much,
I am still so fuckin angry…
I am glad I am alone tonight
I’ll just eat some dinner
walk and get some rye
to settle down with while
I look up at the moonlight
and pray

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4 responses to “1 year

  1. *hug*

    It is normal to have these feelings – to be in conflict right now.

    Our dreams help us by playing out the best and the worst we fear confronting.

    That you would still feel a sense of intimacy is natural – that you would feel violated by that feeling is also natural.

    Saying ‘it was just a dream’ isn’t helpful – saying ‘you need to allow yourself – even in dreams – time to mourn and accept the loss of the intimacy you once had with another person’ is, because it is true.

    Love,
    L.

    • Hello Isabeau,
      I prayed for the truth, which always seems to help… i shall no longer lie to my self or anyone else and I prayed for the truth to help me through…

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