Emotional Roller Coaster

I am riding an emotional roller coaster, as I knew I would be and I know I will be for some time. I am leaving my wife, I have had enough and I am going for my life to return to me. This alone will be enough to ride me up and down for the next few years, drive me crazy with emotions that I probably never knew I had, and have me crying in some corner of my mind like a two month old child looking for that breast to suckle on. I am ready and I am sad but onward I shall go.
That being said, allow me to add to this ride a friend, a savior, a woman who in just the past three weeks I have fallen in love with. We have met by total surprise, her words moved me within the sadness of my heart and I fell… and I laughed, and I saved, and understood, and cried, and want to be her future. But her past showed up yesterday, leap day of course. He showed up at the absolute perfect time, she asked me about my grandmother, and if I thought she would approve of her, she starts crying. Confused I am that she would cry because I said she would, but her tears were not for Martha, they were for an email that came across at the same time. It was from him, the one that I always knew would reappear, the one that still had her heart if he ever wanted it, the one that I never would be able to stop. He was there… no matter what she told me, what she had talked herself to believe, and no matter where she hid the email, I knew she was going to read it, and she did. Thankfully she sent me her reply to him but my mind was off and running… where is she, oh, she must have gone back to bed with her cold, where is she, she must be writing of this mailing… where is she, she must be crying and won’t come on… where is she, they must be talking, they must be writing, he must want to see her again, she has told me before that if he did want that she would run to him with open arms… where is she…….. I tried to reach her until bed when I got a word about her having to go to bed with this cold and she is feeling worse…Does the word FUCK! come to mind here… for me it did and I wrote to her trying to tell here of my emotional roller coaster and I have no idea if it came across well… but I tried. And, yes… I am still on it rolling up and down and up and down… I hate roller coasters but here I ride in my one car seat, rolling along… it will be fine in the end but you will be hearing about this ride as time goes on… Fuckin’ `ell


5 responses to “Emotional Roller Coaster

  1. I still don’t know what he wanted of me and probably never will – I would rather you didn’t think of it though.

    Of all things I’m pretty sure wanting back for any reason whatsoever is the furthest from his thoughts, as I have said before and will again.

    Maybe he just meant us well and it is as simple as that.

    He has a very full and satisfying life, close friends (I used to know them – even cared for a couple of them) and so many other things to divide his time between.

    That would leave very little left to dwell on some woman from his past – see this brief contact as a courtesy call from an old acquaintance, such as you yourself would give when in New York and calling up some dinner companions for an evening of ‘catch up’.

    Keep in mind that I am nothing more than that – and less than that to other companions I have cared for once upon a time and you will be able to be more at ease.

    Do not dwell on possibility – there is none other than what we choose to accept or reject.


    • yea, right… that sounds easy, except I never welcome people back into my life that have hurt me as much as he/they did you. Nice try I must admit, but I can not look at them in that frame of mind. If there is going to be a separation between us in the way we think, it just might be here.
      I will not let it come between us, nor will I let it interfere with our love in *any* way at all.
      Just realize that it is not the same by the comparison you have chosen, my friends or acquaintances will not stab me in the back, yours seem to want to.
      Will you let them do so just to fight off some tears and loneliness? I pray not.

      • *gentle smile* no – I think that I’ve lost enough blood already.

        I just wanted you to to be able to allow him to have the benefit of your doubt.

        It is not always the ‘worst’ even from people from whom you have come to expect it from.

        It is what I would have wanted from all of them at one point and they weren’t able to find it in themselves to offer at the time when it was important to me – we don’t all have to be so rigid in our self concepts that we can’t offer mercy or forgiveness to people we have once cared for.

        That is the higher path Allan – that’s all.


  2. P.S? Having said that *read above* I don’t expect you to want to extend the hand of friendship to this man in any way whatsoever.

    I do believe that would be expecting WAY to much – from any man.

    What I would like though – is for you to not feel threatened by his memory.

    We have our own to start making – lets concentrate more of our efforts on looking forward to that and I will promise to do my very best to spend a minimal amount of time looking back.

    There will be times when I do and I can either share it with you or not trouble you with the knowledge as per your wish – either way you like it is fine but please do not deny me what few happy memories there may have been along the way to where I ended up.

    There aren’t enough to justify the years invested – but there are some and I believe I have a right to them for what they cost me.


    • I will never deny you of anything, your memories are yours to keep where ever you may, and if you wish to refer to them please do so. I will not ever want to be left out of what happens, I want to know as much as you are willing to share and more if you can, so please do not deny this of me. If I happen to get upset because you let someone back into your life that I have had to save you from that is your choice. I just hope I don’t have to do it again. Understand completely that if it comes down to bringing you back from the depths of hell, I shall do so gladly… always… and completely no matter how many times I am called upon to do so.
      I love you and will do what ever it takes to keep you free…

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