It happened too soon

The only way to explain this is to just lay it all out. `09 was the year, she became part of a group I was in and the more meetings we had the more interested I became in her.This went on for a few months and we began to talk whenever we saw each other, which for 10 years before was never done. Emails began to be sent to each other with slight innuendo’s which made us both start thinking of possibilities. Then in November I went down to another close visit with death, blood clot hit the brain, 4 days in ICU, released from hospital then I became paralyzed for a month before any movement came back. PT for six months and made it back to work, barely… Taught for a semester, meetings were held, glad to be back and for some strange reason before the semester break I called her my Queen. It affected her greatly, she came out of wherever she had hid herself and in Sept we met. In a way it was great and in many other ways it was not. I, married, fell in love with a woman that I could not satisfy and she had a ton of guilt for us being together in the first place. We broke, I broke down, and now she and I are totally apart, most likely forever.
My point is I feel all of this happened too soon after my bout with health and that is what affected me the way it did. I wanted her greatly, any way I could but I could not perform, why? Well the b.c. affected me to the point that I was having very little sensitivity in many places and I never knew it until then. That along with the fact that I had not had an opportunity for such an activity since the one at home and I hadn’t done a thing for years, her choice and I didn’t argue.
When we broke up I fell apart, lost any strength I ever had and just became a worthless soul needing anything to get me through. Well the only thing that has worked was time, not in the way that most people will say that time heals all but in the fact that the clot has been shrinking and more and more feelings are coming back, my thoughts are coming back and I feel more like the person I used to be than the person I was last year. So, that is why I feel it happened too soon, if we waited longer, more of me would have been with us and God only knows what we could have done, I do have an idea though, and it would have been great for both of us. However, it may never happened at all if we did wait, too many changes in the world, too many things that would have become more important than two people falling in love.
I could go on more but I believe you get the point, I am no longer mad at her, I am no longer not feeling things, and I really wish I would have that opportunity again, but that will not happen, at least not with her and that I know.


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