2 February 2011

Let me start this off with something you know all too well and of course is the root of my problem. I am so very much in love with you that it is making me crazy. Every time I think it is something else that is getting to me I know that it is really how I feel about you.
What happened tonight you described perfectly, was a torture. To know that every word I ever sent to you, every poem I ever wrote, every LOLLLLLL you ever replied with have all been deleted and your address never to be back again is hard to take. Sort of like a good punch in the stomach, or a perfectly aimed kick in the groin. Never did I think I would feel this from you, never. I know I have been a pain in the ass for sure, yes, I have been bugging the shit out of you too, yes, and the world is so effin busy but… to never ever be in contact where I can talk truly to you… yes, torture.
It is hard because of all the things that were promised, those that were disappearing slowly are now all gone. Everything from being lovers, to being friends forever to being able to tell you anything because you can handle my ranting, to just knowing you were there are now all gone.
You know what I am going through, you have been broken up with over emails, left with the thoughts of “what just happened” ? How did this occur, why did it get to this point? Sitting here staring at my walls, alone with my shadows as my company as I sip a glass of sherry going “how did I let this get so bad”? What the eff is wrong with me, not to have communiqué?
I know you are thinking that this is the only way I am going to get over you, just pull everything, turn it all off, never to go back again as it will only prolong things for him. Well yea, it is all true, but have you ever before ended a romance when the two of you were still in love?
Yea, I know, you never want to be the “home wrecker”… well you are not and were not going to be. There were two things I never mentioned but always knew. I was never going to leave because I knew that if I did and you fell deathly ill I would not be able to do much, I would not be able to carry you anywhere I could not get downstairs quick enough because I did not have shoes on and so many other images have come across my mind of how I would fail and the same is true for you, I could not see you carrying me if that was needed, trying to stop seizures, dealing with migraines, blood clots, strokes, and whatever else were to come along.
No matter what I have told you nothing in this house had to do with you, it had to do with ppl and I, and how hard it is to keep a hard relationship going. Yes, we are pushing many yrs but we are also pushing the end, we both know it. The main reason to keep it alive is health, that is it.
You were an amazing thing that just somehow happened. My fault, I am sure, after all I believe I did the first email tease, but you returned it and our time began. Granted I was not all you had hoped for but you always said it did not matter and that if we spent more time… well, that time never came about. The hardest time for me was this past month with injuries, diseases, and whatever else, not being able to see you at all, and Johnny at home. Then there was #jan25 and with all hell breaking loose I became of even less importance.
My life is going to be very hard without you, but better for you without me, I know this, I became too much and apologize for it.
One more “secret” I wish to tell you. It is so bad that you are literally on my mind all the time! If I lie down, you are there, when I awaken you are there, as I walk down the street, drive the damn car, in conversations, eating dinner, sitting on the toilet, taking showers. It does not matter what is going on you are always on my mind, I am constantly thinking of you and it does not stop, really it just doesn’t stop. I remember words, phrases, smiles, thoughts, conversations, your cooking, your coffee, things I wish I had done with you, oh man it just goes on…
I thank you so much for having shared the moments of time together with you, I will never be the same after knowing that I actually did find a true love, no matter how short of a time it was, and I will never forget you, ever…
I love you, I miss you, and I sooo want to kiss you…

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2 responses to “2 February 2011

  1. *sigh* I am making my way through from the first to the last.

    I – can’t comment just now but I will re-read everything once I am done and offer my thought here and there as they form… (that is what I do) I just wanted to let you know I was here Al.

    M.L.

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